When Keepin it Real Comes Up Short

Whoop That Trick Wednesdays
Dateline: We all love nightriders but...

With great sorrow and sincere regret, I am forced to proceed today in whooping the biggest trick of the week for Wednesday. I say this because I never thought, in the life of this blog that I would be whooping Charles Barkley. But after his appearance on ESPN radio’s Waddle and Silvy show yesterday morning, I am left with little recourse. I love Charles Barkley. In my opinion, he’s one of the funniest personalities in American sports, and because of nothing more than charisma and a refreshing sense of brutal honesty; Barkley has become one of the most respected sports analysts. Whether it’s calling all-stars like Dirk Nowitzki and Pau Gasol “soft” on national TV, openly discussing and defending his inordinate gambling habit, or pushing his political agenda as a staunch black conservative republican, Sir Charles is renowned, and in many ways admired for “keeping it real.” So after he was arrested December 31st, early New Year’s Eve morning in Arizona for a DUI, I expected him to continue to “keep it real” once returning to the broadcast circuit. But during a segment yesterday on Waddle and Silvy yesterday, Chuck showed the unfortunate side of “keeping it real” that often goes unnoticed. And I feel he got a free pass because I have yet to hear anyone call him out on it.

Tom Waddle addressed Barkley’s DUI and asked him quite generally, how was life after the arrest and subsequent punishment. Barkley quickly explained his actions as a mistake of poor judgment that he was sorry for, but he found a way to keep it real and sound somewhat contrite simultaneously. During his longwinded aside to the listeners, he summed up what he learned from his run in with the law and his opinions on drunk driving. Here are the notable exerts moments in which the realness was on full display.

“It was a stupid thing. It was a really stupid thing, and I just tell people now, be really really careful when you drink and drive.” ---What? Isn’t he supposed to say I tell people from now on you should never drink and drive? No, Barkley keeps its real, he knows people will continue to do it, why be a hypocrite.

“I’ve been in and around the NBA since 1984…so we’re talking 25 years, so probably a hundred times a year, or more, let’s be realistic, I have went out to dinner, and had something to drink,[and driven home] so we’re talking thousands of times, and for me not to get a DUI or not hurt somebody, me going to jail for the weekend was really a blessing in disguise…so many people do it…I think I got away very lucky in that situation…I know me getting a DUI can’t ever happen again, but I’m not going to be a hypocrite and get on here and say that from now on, if I have one or two drinks, I’m not going to drive.” What? Isn’t he supposed to at least say HE will never drink and drive again? No Barkley is too real, he knows he’s still going to booze from time to time, and everybody has had 1 or 2 drinks and then driven somewhere, but not been drunk. No big deal.

Barkley kept it real, and many people viewed it as a sincere testimonial, very much expected from the likes of Charles Barkley. The problem is, Barkley’s DUI was in no way similar to the drinking and driving he discussed in during the radio segment. According to Scottsdale police, Barkley – who was pulled over for running a stop sign – was a drunken man pursuing nothing more than your average nightrider.
“He told me that he ran the stop sign because he was in a hurry to pick up the girl I saw get in the passenger seat,” the officer said. "He asked me to admit that she was 'hot.' He asked me, 'You want the truth?' When I told him I did he said, 'I was gonna drive around the corner and get a blow job. He then explained that she had given him a 'blow job' one week earlier and said it was the best one he had ever had in his life."

Sir Charles, smashed and sweaty after his DUI arrest DEc 31st, 2008.

Case in point, Barkley didn’t go out to dinner and have a few drinks, he was Smashed. In fact, he was so smashed that despite his being a famous black man, he felt so comfortable with police that he sparked up a conversation about blowjobs during a traffic stop. He was so smashed that the shenanigans didn’t stop when he went to the police station, as you can see by the mug shot in which he looks like he’s trying to hold in his drunken laughter. Now I must admit, this story is hilarious, and it speaks to how funny a guy Barkley really is. Also, as per this blog’s profile, I cannot hate. Barkley was following up on an extremely important prospect when he got the DUI, the best B.J. of all time certainly sounds like an invitation worth rsvp’ing, even if it requires a chauffeuring oneself in order to collect. But I have to whoop Charles on this one for implying that his DUI is similar to that which he spoke of on Waddle and Silvy yesterday. If you’re 45 years old, drinking alone, and then driving around town for blowjobs (albeit extremely good ones, can’t stress that enough) you didn’t just “make a mistake”, you have a serious problem. You could kill some damn body or yourself over a blow job. You’re Charles Barkley, tell her to come to your house, if she whines, just pay for her cab. I am a strong advocate for nightriders, and tapping into that resource when you’ve become well intoxicated, but if you’re going to keep it real, keep it real on the radio. Because you all but guaranteed that the next time you’re in Scottsdale and horny, you will be riding out the same way.