Who screams at someone from that ridiculously short of a distance?
Thorough Thursdays: BUSE Nation, What do you think?
Dateline: Couples Quarrels, or in this case, disagreements.
When a relationship between a man and a woman is in its early stages, charisma, character, and general physical attraction are often the sustaining fuels. Aside from those cases in which serious relationships spawn out of a long time friendship and cases where the relationship is contingent on a 1 party, or dual night-riding system, most couples spend significant time “getting to know” one another while dating. The phrase, “getting to know one another” is basically a synonym for something I like to call personality probing. Both men and women conduct personality probes on the people they date in an attempt to make sure that person harbors no massive character flaws that will negate the possibility for a positive relationship. The more time that’s spent together, the flaws that will come to the surface, and when they do, we decipher which ones are and are not acceptable. (e.g. He leaves the toilet seat up, Bad but acceptable….He’s a necrophiliac, Gross and unacceptable.)
Some of the flaws, however, are not so obvious. In fact sometimes, the flaws we see in our significant others are actually perceived to be attributes in their own mind. And that’s what I’m getting thorough on today. Just because two people like, or love each other doesn’t mean they don’t act, think, or believe differently, or in opposing ways. When these things come up, I want to know, what is the protocol? For example, my girlfriend and I seldom differ in opinion, however when we do disagree, it’s usually not over something like what to eat for dinner, but something like Native American Mascots in college sports. I won’t go into specifics, but I’m against it, and she is for it. So what do you do? Is it right to argue our respective views, or just respect the other’s opinion. Since she is my girlfriend, should I strive to make her believe in my opinion, or should I try to come around to her side of thinking. It’s worth asking because when you think about it, much of a relationship comes down to resolving disagreements and working through them, be it through concession or persuasion. I find this quite puzzling and I’m looking for some insight. Don’t feel me? Then how about an example everyone can relate to more readily.
I have two good friends who happen to date each other. Their names are Doc and Marie. Doc is pro-choice and Marie is pro-life. With getting into any grizzly details, they feel strongly about their convictions as the abortion issue has personally affected both their lives in the past, however, the issue is normally not divisive for them as abortion as it rarely comes up. No problems come of this until one day, Marie, and the company she works for is asked to attend a Pro-Life fundraising auction on Friday night. It is the type of function where you’re encouraged to bring a friend or significant other, thus Marie invites Doc without hesitation. Doc then declines citing that it will be difficult for him to attend the auction given his Pro-Choice view on the abortion issue. Marie becomes upset because Friday nights are usually reserved for time with Doc anyway and now she will be the only employee who comes alone. She strongly feels he should attend. Doc is upset because if he were to attend, the atmosphere will reek of the abortion issue, thus making him feel tense and uncomfortable given his opposing views. He strongly feels Marie should go alone.
What does this couple do? How should they handle it, and how would you? Keep in mind that neither party is wrong for feeling the way they feel. Marie doesn’t want to convert Doc to being Pro-Life, she just wants him to suck it up for an evening and endure the auction so that she will have a good time as she’s expected to go. Doc doesn’t want to convert Marie to being Pro-Choice, he just wants her to suck it up for an evening and endure the auction without him, thus allowing him to have a comfortable Friday night instead of a miserable one. I’m asking buse nation because I truly don’t know. I’ll take real examples, hypotheticals, analogies, even riddles at this point. What do you do….in times of moral disagreement in a relationship? I would love to hear your thoughts. Comment away.
9 comments:
Though this sitation is quite common in relationships, that doesn't mean that there is one generic remedy. We possibly face a huge contradiction here because if Doc really cares about Marie, then the fact that the event is Pro-Life shouldn't matter at all. Then again, why would Marie ask Doc in the first place, considering her awareness of his stance on this issue.
This reminds me of a humorous, albeit short anecdote. A friend of mine once tried to organize a vacation with his long-time high school friends. A few decided they would be unable to do this on account of marital problems. I myself have a girlfriend so I do have a substantial understanding of the relationship "quid pro quo" arrangement. However one of the reasons as to their inability to make such a trip was that they simply weren't allowed to. As perplexing as this is to you readers imagine my astonishment at hearing this.
What I'm getting at here is people who care about each other do not act like tyrants. They give and they receive without the need to "keep score".
Maybe if Doc went to more events such as the prescribed he would then be shown leniency if he still felt the need to ask for permission. Maybe if Marie truly cares about Doc she wouldn't ask him to come along, or hinder Doc's own pursuits of happiness.
Then again, he who goes without sin cast the first stone. I will not pretend to know the ins & outs of Doc and Marie's relationship because all communionions such as this one are indeed unique.
How about this; Doc, attend Marie's outing, simply because you love her and are there to support her when needed. Who knows, you may find yourself in the situation of my friends. Maybe there will come a time when you'd like to go on vacation, and Marie will remember the understanding you showed and won't object...
Jason, or the author of this post, u mention that fridays are reserved for doc and marie, but its my understanding that doc is reserved by marie tuesday thru sunday every week. so that argument is moot. cause they spend enough time with each other as it is. so one friday night off from each other is fine.
also, i dont agree with ur statement that arguments need to be settled by one side converting to the other. this is a terrible method, and only leads to more fights down the road, because the losing side will bring it up when he/she really wants to win another debate. the best remedy is COMPROMISE and butterflies (thank u maroon 5). this is an easy solution to this situation.
marie knows doc's stance on abortion. therefore she should not ask him in the first place. but if she does(which she did), she should already know that if he says no(that being the likely answer), then the answer is NO. she more than likely knew he was going to respond this way in the first place. so why argue when she already knew the answer? his response was no, she should leave it at that. find another date, a friend, or go alone. not a big deal. not all couples feel the need to do EVERYTHING together. and on such a situation were both feel so strongly about their opinions, they should leave it alone. its only an event. they should be happy they are not debating whether or not marie should get an abortion.
doc's point of view. he has EVERY right to refuse. a person is entitled to their own opinion. and is entitled to make his own choices. If he would rather not go, then he should not be forced. this isnt an issue of, eh, i feel lazy, or i want to chill with my boys instead. this is an issue of, i dont agree with pro-life, and i would rather not be apart of it. now... if he choices to go, then marie should be super excited. but she should not make him feel guilty and fight with him because he doesnt.
this debate has nothing to do with being there for ur loved one. its an event for work. it would be a lot different if marie had set the whole thing up and invested her entire career and life to this one cause. but that is not the cause. she is merely attending a function. therefore its not a big deal if doc does not go. love should not be entered into the equation. and jamie, if u need to insert love, the only context it applies to is the following... if marie loves doc, she should understand that he is opposed to pro-life, and would feel very uncomfortable attending. if she loves him, she will understand this, and not force him to go, and not make him feel guilty about it. if she loves him, she will completely understand, and find someone else or go alone.
just because doc loves her, does not mean he has to go. thats ridiculous. thats like if marie wanted to commit suicide, but wants jake to do it with her. should he follow suit cause he loves her? i know its an extreme, but u catch my drift.
compromise is the key to any successful relationship. not trying to make ur partner agree with you.
Ok first, since I cant sign up for a user name from work I have to manually put in my name. Since i dont want to do that (cant delete posts) Im going to use clever nicknames from now on. Ok...now i'll opine. This brings up a really important issue. First off, I can't stand people that aren't open to other peoples' points of view. Now, I am staunchly set in what I believe but I will listen/argue on anything...i enjoy it. How can someone simply not stand to be around a situation? - give me a break bro (my two fingers are wagging right now). This is my exact beef with the ND situation. Ok...Obama is pro-choice I guess, but he's the president! I try and be as Catholic as I can be and I am against abortion (already discussed this is the blog) but youre gonna tell me that there are people that can't stand to hear the President speak?!?! That is ignorance...complete and utter ignorance. I personally believe that it is only through challenging your beliefs that you can truly understand what it is you believe in. I think open and honest discussions and, yes, arguments, are the key to healthy conversation. So...Doc, man up. Even if everyone is in your face with being pro-life, you're not there to get into a debate..youre there to support your girl. Saying that you dont wanna go cuz of what the event is for is not sufficient, maybe you dont wanna go cuz the people are lame, there's no open bar, etc... but saying that you cant be around a pro-life event is whack.
completely disagree.
mr. class rings on my fingas --
if someone were to invite u to the gay pride parade, or a gay rights event, a gay bar, or anything gay? would u go?
i rest my case.
excellent points on both sides, robust and spirited.
I feel before it gets too far back and forth,...I must refocus your argument Beto....it's not about simply being invited and not going because of one's beliefs....the argument here is how much does one either compromise or hold their beliefs in check in order to make their girlfriend/boyfriend happy. Thus a gay pride parade or gay bar is not analogous....instead, ask class fingas if his girlfriend's job was invited to a banquet that raised money for GLAAD (gay and les alliance against defimation) and that girlfriend wanted Fingas to be there as everyone in the office was bringing a date....would he go or not go.
My point is this. Beliefs, values, and our moral positions on social issues are a MASSIVE part of who we are. Huge part of our identity. But so our the people in our relationships. Especially when love is involved. Compromise, and sometimes concession is a necessary part of a healthy relationship as two people can't agree on everything. So what I'm asking is, in the effort to make either the one you love, or the one you like, happy, to what extent should you compromise, or hold your beliefs in check.
I must remind Beto that I never said one party should convert any belief to the other side....but people of different religious faiths and contrasting political views get married all the time, and when they have kids, the children grow up practicing only one faith and usually a mirror ideology of one of their parents....so, be it deliberate or not, 1 parent is holding their beliefs in check for the sake of their partner and family....Is it wrong,or acceptable, or mandatory to do that in a situation as simple as Doc and Beans? is what i wanna know.
If you say no Beto, is there any situation in your opinion in which a person SHOULD expect their significant other to hold their beliefs in check and support their partner for a night, weekend, week etc.?
Personally, when seeking a partner I am more attracted to someone who is not like me. Someone who is going to disagree with me on the 'issues', so I agree with Fingas here. Being open to discussion on any topic is vital when you're in a relationship (friendship or significant). But this was not a discussion. The discussion was had when Doc and Marie talked about going and why Doc did not want to attend.
What Doc was invited to was a fundraiser for an organization he does not support. He declined and said have his seat filled with someone who believes in the cause. Where is the foul in that?
This clearly was not a matter of Doc being too stubborn to listen to Marie, but instead he did and opted to not support the cause. His support for Marie should not be questioned here because it is apparent everyday through whatever he does for her as a partner. Just because you share a home, family, car does not mean you must ALWAYS be there for your partner on matters unrelated to each others well being and safety.
By not going to the fundraiser Doc is not telling Marie I do not love or support you, but instead is electing to exercise his right as an individual to say no.
Whenever two parties enter a union, there is one part that merges the two, but also two parts that remain from the previous two individuals (just think of the symbol for the sacrament of marriage). That part of the individual can not be forgotten by either party. It ultimately is what you fell for in the first place.
So being as it may/is with our political, religious and social views comprising to much of who we are, my view point on how much compromising is too much compromising is: Do not compromise to a fault, always discuss and bang out as many details as possible with your partner then weigh it out. Because some things may be more important than others to each individual. But never compromise beyond the point to where you feel as though you're becoming a doormat to whatever your partner demands/wishes. Because then you're not in a relationship, but instead you're being used and your individuality forgotten/ignored.
Beto -
i'm flabbergasted by your question - would I go to anything gay?
I hang out with you every weekend....
enough said
by attacking me personally, with false statements, u have clearly admitted that i won the argument waged between u and i. thank u for conceding. i love winning.
true or false - you like coldplay?
true of false - you just made artichoke dip in a loaf of sourdough bread
true or false - you just macramed yourself a pair of jean shorts
that's all im sayin bro
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